Say It Aint What Just Happened
by Numb Smile
Summary: Spencer and Ashley, the girls thoughts during Say It Aint So Spencer and What Just Happened. Completed
1. Chapter one, Spencer and lipgloss

**Title**: _"Say It Aint What Just Happened."_

**Disclaimer**: _I own nothing, at all, one of the things I don't own is South of Nowhere (and everyone and everything affiliated with the show), Thomas Lynch owns it, as does The-N and all the actors that go to creating the characters, are we good?_

**Rating**: _PG, then again if enough people like the fic then it may change._

**Pairing**: _Spencer and Ashley_.

**Summary**_: Nothing much really, I'm just going to go through all the scenes (with either Ashley or Spencer in) from **Say It Aint So Spencer** and **What Just Happened** and set them in the character's POV, the first few parts will be Spencer's pov and if people like it then the second parts - as in after the final scene from **What Just Happened **(in Spencer's pov) I'll go back to the first scene from **Say It Aint So** and write them from Ashley's pov, and if people still like it after that I might progress with the story leafing off from the end of the season.** Did that even make sense?**_

**Author's Note**: _I haven't written a thing in months so, I'm sorry if I'm a bit rusty, plus I'm aware it's not a fantastic idea for a fic, but bear with me._

**Feedback**: _Leave it, don't leave it, I don't mind. However, it is nice and my ego definitely likes it._

**Author's Note (2)**: _I've never written a fic like this before, with the original dialogue being worked around the characters thoughts, plus this is the first fic I've written for South Of Nowhere._

* * *

"_**Maybe she's having an affair."**_

Ashley's crazy, my mother would never even consider adultery, I say _**"No way**"_ and suppress a laugh at the idea of the virtuous Mrs. Carlin doing anything that could be deemed a "sin".

"_**Well, maybe she's planning one."**_

I shoot her a look, but she's not playing attention, instead she hands me her lip-gloss and talks about the cosmetic benefits of dating a girl. The lip-gloss tastes nice, and for a second I can't help wondering if that's what Ashley tastes of, sort of like tutti-frutti. She's keeping eye contact in the mirror as I reply, **_"I have so much to learn."_**

"**_Lucky you have me."_** Yeah, really lucky_. **"That looks really good on you.**_**"** I can feel my stomach do a little flip, **_"Almost as good as it looks on me."_** I smile, same old Ashley.

"**_Aw now you have me wearing your shade, how convenient, just incase we end up in some, spontaneous lip-lock."_** I know that I'm only joking but part of me wants nothing more then to push her up against the basins we're in front of and, find out what it feels like to…

"**_Trust me, it wont be spontaneous."_** I grin at her reply, with every second I spend with her I can feel myself getting sucked deeper into the, lesbian-abyss. Smiling I follow her out of the toilets pushing my makeup bag into my school bag.

_---------------------------------------_

_"**There's nothing wrong with me, but the word is there's something really wrong with you."**_

With the hell is he talking about?**_ "You're weirding me out."_** I say and walk away, he follows though.

"**_Madison told me she head you and Ashley talking in the bathroom about kissing each other and underwear and all kinds of gay stuff. Is that true?_"** Does he even hear himself as he talks, "gay stuff", why can't Glen be more like Clay, or dad or anyone with a brain? Plus Madison told him, Madison told him, argh, I hate her but this, this is, damn she is really getting on my nerves.

"**_Before I answer that, I just want to say you suck. You should be defending me instead of judging me, I'm your sister, I get the benefit of the doubt over that gold-digging booty-call."_ **Did I just say "gold-digging booty-call"?

"**_That's only relevant if it's not true, is it true?"_** Would he stop asking me that!

"**_What she heard could have been misinterpreted as that, but that doesn't mean that it's entirely true."_** Ashley, where are you when I need you?

"**_Spencer I can see it on your face, you have a thing for Ashley. You know she has a reputation of breaking in girls, you're just another notch on her headboard."_** Shut up, just shut up Glen, you have no idea what you're talking about. Plus it wasn't so long ago that he had a thing for Ashley_. **"I don't believe that."**_ I say, I know Ashley and I know she'd never do that to me, don't I?

"**_That's what I've head from people who've known her a lot longer than you have. God if she turns you gay it's gona kill mum and dad."_** No one knows her, not like I do. Wait, what "turn's me gay"? He really doesn't listen to himself when he talks.

"**_First of all, you can't turn somebody gay and secondly you haven't heard any of this from me and you're ratting me out to mum and dad, thanks from the lesson in loyalty."_** I walk away from him feeling more conflicted than usual, damn Madison!

------------------------------------------------

"_**So what?"**_

"So what" she says, so what? No better pearls of wisdom then so what, can't she see how much this is messing me up? **_"Yeah maybe it's so what to you, you're used to being talked about, front page trash, I'm not." _**As soon as the word trash leaves my mouth I regret it.

"**_Ouch! Look, for the record I'm not used to being trashed."_** She's hiding it but I know that I've just hurt her, and I feel bad about it, but this is just too much to take. **_"Listen it's Madison, she hates me and of course she's gona use this to break us up."_**

What? Since when were we anything that could be broken up? **_"Break us up? We are not a couple Ashley! I don't know what we are, I just want to figure it out first, before everyone tries to crucify me."_** My eyes linger on her chest, looking directly at the cross design on her shirt. I already feel like I should be repenting for sins I haven't committed yet, that's not to say that I haven't thought about doing certain things considered "unholy".

_"**You know what, I'm just sorry this is so terrible for you. But what hurts even more is the fact that you don't want anyone to think it's true, even if it's a lie."**_ And she's already out of the door, I wish she knew how much I wanted her, I don't want the life that goes with it though. I want to be with her, but I don't want my family to hate me, I don't want to hear little jibes and japes from Madison and her cheer bitches about why I'm sick, just for loving someone. I want Ashley, I want everything that comes with Ashley, I just don't want everything that comes with being with a girl. I don't want Ashley to be my sordid dirty little secret, I want to be with her and I want everyone to know how much I want to be with her, it's just too hard.

Why can't I have just fallen for Aiden or someone who I wouldn't be judged to be with?

------------------------------------------------------------

It's nice out here, the sun's in my face and the breeze is blowing my hair about, it's just nice, really gives you a chance to think, unfortunately all I can think of is Ashley and her storming out of my bedroom the day before, I wish I didn't feel this way.

_"**Hey."**_ It's Aiden, I hear him before I see him.

_"**Hey."**_ I reply with the same amount of exuberance in my voice as there was in his, I'm glad of the distraction from my own thoughts.

_"**Look at you."**_ He's quiet for a moment and I can almost feel the clogs in his brain moving. **_"So, what's on the books for this weekend?"_**

Ashley had mentioned something about wanting me to meet her dad as he had a concert on Saturday in a near-by town, but as being around Ash was making me go crazy – and not crazy in the same way as not being 'round her – I thought it was best to stay away from her, **_"Nothing thrilling."_**

_"**You and Ashley don't have a wet'n'wild plan to conquer West Hollywood?"**_

_"**No."**_ I wish we were back in the girls loo's talking about spontaneous lip-lockage, that's a weekend I'd enjoy, but too much has changed, and in such a short space of time.** _"Not yet; maybe I'm waiting for a better offer."_** Or just an offer, from a boy.

_"_**_Um, I don't know if it's a better offer, but my parents aren't using their tickets for the Hollywood Bowl this Saturday night."_ **He sounds so nervous, I thought girls were meant to be the nervous ones. He shouldn't be nervous, it's not as if every time we've tried to hook up something has gone wrong. Maybe.** _"I thought maybe we could take a picnic, eat dinner at the park, sit under the stars and listen to some music. Chill. What do you think?"_** I think it sounds romantic, I think it sounds like the most romantic idea anyone has ever had involving me, and I think that is sad. But all I can think of is how that would be the perfect night, if it was with Ashley and not Aiden. But as it stands I'm being offered a nice night with a nice boy, so what choice do I have? **_"I think it sounds like a better offer, yeah I want to go."_** I smile at him and think of how happy it would make mum and dad and Glen and, everyone.

_"_**_Great, I'll uh, I'll call you later."_ **And he's gone and I'm left on my own again, just me and my thoughts, my thoughts of Ashley and how much I don't want her finding out about my plans with Aiden.

-----------------------------------------------------


	2. Not a fan of classical music

Thanks for the reviews/replies, they're greatly appreciated, here's just a little update.

* * *

It's painfully quiet sitting out here next to Aiden, the only sound registering in my mind is the soft sound of _Marisa Lauren_. I look over at my date, he looks nervous; I don't think he's seemed relaxed since I agreed to go on this date with him, on Thursday. It's been an arduous two days, and all I want to do is kick back and relax with a friend, but as the term "date" has been used, neither of us are anything that can be equated to relaxed, even the air seems to crack with our uncomfortable silence.**_ "The whole picnic part and being out here under the stars, listening to music it's actually better than the music they play in the Bowl."_**

"_**You mean you're not a fan of classical music?"**_ I know I'm not, my mum was always encouraging me to listen to it as a child but I found all but two pieces tense me up, and I think that if I tense anymore then I might just explode.

"_**Not really," **_Well that makes two of us,**_ "I guess I'm just saying, once we're inside if you want to leave at intermission, I'm cool with that."_**

I give him a satisfied nod as I answer, **_"Whatever you wana do, I'm following your lead tonight."_**

"_**Why are you doing that," **_he pauses before he reiterates,**_ "following my lead?"_**

It's strange, I was never really the _take-charge type_ back in Ohio, I guess moving to Los Angeles has changed me in more ways then I realized. Maybe it wasn't the move as much as the city acting as a catalyst, unleashing something that was already in me, screaming to escape. I shot him a puzzled look as I answer, **_"What do you mean?"_**

"_**Well you've been spending a lot of time with Ash, you know, getting close to her," **_not close enough though, not as close as I wish I was getting to her,**_ "I mean every time we try to hook up it's a complete disaster." _**

I want to tell Aiden that he's not special and all the times I can remember trying to hook up with a guy, none of them have gone to plan, and each time I'm left feeling more and more hollow inside, I don't though, **_"Do you not want me to be here with you?"_**

"_**Are you kidding? Part of me is saying don't screw this up asswipe, you have a beautiful girl in front of you."**_

"_**I bet I can guess which part of you is saying that."**_ I nod my head towards his crotch as I speak, and part of me blushes, because just a few months ago I could never had envisaged myself being so bold. And part of me wants to be that same naive girl from Ohio, kissing boys and thinking of girls, but not knowing why, a girl with a perfect family. But that was the old me who was ironically the young me, and now my eyes are wide with knowledge and my heart is full of Sapphic desire.

"_**Yeah, but, the other part of me is saying, why is this beautiful girl here with you, when she really wants to be with someone else?"**_

I wish he wouldn't have continued talking, I wish he would never had mentioned the "someone else", and I wish I could stop thinking about her and stop wanting her, but I've tried and I cant. But I can't admit it, all I can do is be a good little Christian girl and suppress what I feel. "**_Why don't you quit trying to figure me out and just let me show you how I feel."_** And I kiss him; I kiss him with everything I feel for Ashley, and all my guilt for feeling that way**_. "Now, does that feel like the kind of girl that doesn't want to be with you?"_** I kiss him again, only harder this time because now I feel guilty for wishing I were with someone else, but I try to forget my lust and my guilt and as I push him down onto the blanket and crawl on top of him all my brain can register is the harsh smell of his aftershave.


	3. Not a fan of classical music, either

Another update, I'm not happy with about half of this part, but I can't make it better, meh.

* * *

He pulls away from me, and I don't want him to, if I keep kissing him, focusing on what his hands are doing and what my tongue is doing, then I wont have to think about anything else.

To my dismay he starts talking, **_"If we leave now, we can still catch the last half of the concert."_**

But I don't want to leave, because then we wont be kissing and I will be free to think about things, mainly Ashley, plus as I tell him, **_"I'm not a fan of classical music either."_** I pull him back to me, trying to stop my brain from imagining what kissing Ashley would be like, if her touch would be gentle, or urgent? And what type of sounds she'd thoughtlessly emit as we kissed, well maybe not just kissed. I wonder, if I started kissing her neck, if I'd find a sensitive spot at the base, or just behind her ear, and how I'd be able to tell? Maybe she'd groan, or gasp, or moan out my name? Maybe she wouldn't be _vocal_; maybe she'd urge me to continue silently. I can only dream of what we could do and how she would react, and I do dream, whether I'm lost deep in the throes of R.E.M, or just zoning out; I dream. So I pull Aiden back to me, urging him to kiss me again, as I dream of Ashley.

"_**Hey, are you sure about this?"**_ But that's not Ashley's voice, and that's because she's not here with me.

"_**Stop asking me that, I'm here with you arnt I?"**_ I can hear my voice start to crack, and I can feel a myriad of emotions just below the surface, waiting to rise up, like bile in my throat.

"_**Who are you trying to convince, me or you?"**_

Shut up Aiden, you couldn't just be like any other dumbass jock and be happy that I was throwing myself at you, could you? **_"Look, I really like you and I wana be with you, it would just make things so much easier."_**

"_**For who? Maybe everybody else, but not you. It's ok, you are who you are."**_ I wish I was straight, not just because it would make everything so much easier, but also because of Aiden. He's such a sweet guy, I wish I wanted him.

"_**But what if I'm not ready to be who I am?" **_I'm scared stiff of being who I am.

"_**You are, alright, you're gona be fine."**_ I really think he'd be the perfect boyfriend, it's only a shame that I'm not looking for one.**_ "I'm not one who's rep's trashed, I've now turned two girls gay."_** I can't help but breathe out a laugh, _**"Laugh, but hey, you have to promise to tell everybody that this wasn't my fault." **_I look at his profile for a second and feel nothing but platonic love for him**_ "Please."_** And I laugh at this comment, it's not as if he's said anything amazingly witty, it's just the easiest escape for my emotions.

He pulls me into a hug and I muse, I was almost crying earlier and now I'm laughing, but I'm not happy and I'm not upset, if anything I'm petrified. I push myself away from the safety of his arms and stand up, all I can think about is Ashley. I wonder if she felt the same way after her and Aiden split? If she felt so scared and alone when she realized that she wasn't straight, and if she knew just being herself would hurt the people around her? But Ash doesn't have a strong connection to many people – least of all her parents – and she doesn't have such a strict religious background, so maybe she wasn't scared of coming out of the proverbial closet.

But, when Ashley realised she was gay she barely had any friends, I guess she had Madison, but the _uber-cheer-bitch_ kicked her to the curb and when she lost her unborn baby she pushed Aiden and everyone away from her, determined not to be hurt again. I might not have the support of my family, but I have Ashley for strength and to an extent, Aiden. I don't know if I can live without the support of my family, but I know I cant live without Ashley.

Aiden has finished clearing up all the paraphernalia from the picnic and is wrapping his arm around my shoulders, urging me towards his car. Once again I feel a surge of platonic love, I feel for him what I feel for my family, I can only hope that their reaction to my _lack of heterosexuality_ is analogous to his.

We make our way back to Aiden's car in silence, but this time it's a comfortable silence, and I feel oddly relaxed – still petrified, but calm at the same time.

"_**Call her, see what she's up to."**_

I feel a wave of agapéwash through my veins at his words, _**"You're a good friend Aiden."**_

"_**Second choice, but I'll take it."**_ I've already got my phone out and started scrolling through my list of "last called numbers" as we both simultaneously close our respective doors.

"_**Hello" **_That doesn't sound like, **_"Ash…"_**, not at all._** "Who's this?"**_ Good question, who the hell are _you_?**_ "Spencer, put Ashley on the phone."_** I can hear rustling and giggling in the background, _**"Sorry, she doesn't want to talk to you, later."**_ The call cuts out, what the hell?

"_**Can you drive me to Ashley's house."**_ Like, right now!

"**_Why not. Let's make sure I'm completely whipped." _**I barely register his comment as my mind races with possibilities of what I could have done to Ashley to warrant her friend brushing me off like that. Or if Ashley even knew that it was me who rung? But mainly my brain was trying desperately to figure out who the girl that answered Ashley's phone was, and why she was answering Ashley's phone in the first place? The only thing clear in my mind is how much I hated the girl I said less than ten words to.


	4. Does Ashley know you’re ripping her off

Ok, so I'm not happy with any of this little update, so it prolly really sucks, meh. I've up'ed the rating because the "b" and "w" words are used - shocker!

As always, thanks to all that r&r!

* * *

God I hate Ashley's house, it's so desolate, her room is the only one that ever seems to have any life in it; well I guess all the _life_ in her room radiates from her. When I reach Ashley's room I can hear some light rustling and figure it must be Ash pottering about, it's not. **_"Who are you, and does Ashley know you're ripping her off?"_**

"**_Let me guess, Spencer?"_** Yeah, but who are you, and where's Ashley?

"_**How'd you know?"**_

"**_You called, remember?" _**Oh, so this is the whore slash bitch – "whorebitch" – who picked up Ashley's phone. The whorebitch was looking over at Ashley – who was comatose on the bed – as she spoke. **_"And for someone Ashley didn't want to talk to, she talked about you the whole night."_**

"**_She did?"_** I feel a wave of hope course through me.

"**_Yeah, I guess she's no longer in-between." _**The whorebitch said as she pushed past me.

"**_What?"_** And what is up with whacking into my shoulder?

"**_Forget it." _**Bye-bye whorebitch. I put Ashley's money – that the whorebitch readily dropped when I walked into the room – back into her purse and tentatively make my way over to Ashley's bed.

She's barely wearing anything at all, just a pair of boys boxer shorts that's have ridden and ruffled up and a dark t-shit that has slithered up exposing her stomach – I love her stomach, it's so toned and tanned and the flesh is so soft and smooth and… I bite back a sigh and lightly shake my head, mentally berating myself for being so lecherous.

Drawing a deep breath into my lungs, I perch on the edge of the bed with my feet under my butt and reach for the arm that Ashley has draped over her eyes. I pull the arm – that feels like dead weight – away from Ash's face and drop it down onto her bed, the movement stirs her and she squirms about, her body pushing itself upwards off of the mattress.

With her eyes still closed I start talking to her, **_"Sorry, I was freaked out," _**her eyes open briefly and I can see how dilated her pupils are, **_"I didn't want to deal with being gay, but I couldn't deal with not being with you." _**This time her eyes snap open and her gaze steadies on me, and I can feel myself beginning to melt.

"_**I'm not easy."**_

I know that now is not the time to joke, but I can't let that comment slip by, **_"That's not what I've heard."_**

I'm sure if she had the strength, she'd be rolling her eyes, **_"I meant to be with,"_** and despite herself she smiles a little.

"**_I know, but we're already friends, that's the hard part, so lets just start there and see what happens."_** It feels like a whole weight has been lifted off of my shoulders as I let that little speech out, finally it feels as if we can move forward in our relationship after dancing around how we really feel for months.

As I'm about to twist my body into a more comfortable position, Ashley rests her head on top of my thighs and I can feel my heart swell a little. I arch my back over a bit more and start stroking her tangled tresses, feeling her warm breath through the soft cotton of my jeans. As the warm exhalations hitting my legs start to even and steady, I know that soon she'll be asleep.

Somewhere at the back of my mind I have an uneasy feeling that she won't remember any of this when she wakes in the morning. I don't know what she's taken, but I couldn't smell alcohol on her breath so I'm guessing her particular _poison_ for this evening was a harsh – most probably _class a_ – drug. I crane my neck an arch my back a little more, feeling a sharp twinge shoot down the left hand side of my spine I place a gentle kiss on the back of her head and softly sigh into her tousled hair.


	5. Long night

Sorry for the lack of updates, here's a little one (that I'm not happy with anyway) - I'm writting the next part now.

As always, thanks for all the feedback!

* * *

It was a long night, I didn't try to sleep, I think I was too scared that something could happen to Ashley whilst I was asleep. The idea of something happening to her was bad enough without the added thought that I would be in the same room as her at the time, completely unaware of her affliction.

Plus I was content just to lie next to her, watching her sleep.

She stirred a few times during the night – never fully waking from her slumber – but in distress, so I rocked her back to sleep and held her tightly until I was sure that she was safe in her own unconscious mind. Hoping that her own mind was a safe enough place for her to be.

As I watched her throughout the night, I thought about how deeply moving to Los Angeles and meeting Ashley has affected me. I didn't just think about Ash, I thought about Clay and Glen, and how happy they both were, I thought about mum and dad and all the new friction that seemed to be plaguing their seemingly happy marriage. I thought about Madison and her army of cheerbitches, I thought about Aiden and how many different sides to his personality I'd seen since I first met him and I thought that there might be a dormant gay aspect to him hiding beneath his jock-exterior. Then Ashley would start to whimper in her sleep and I'd cradle her body in my arms and gently rock her back to a peaceful slumber, and I'd start to think about her again.

I thought about her dad and her mum and how much she loved and hated them, I thought about her resentment towards family because of the lack of love she received from her parents. I thought about what happened on her date with Kelly and the different aspects of the night that would have been mirrored in my date with the brunette.

Thoughts of how many different girls Ashley had been intimate with filled my mind and my gut started to fill with jealously. I hated the idea of anyone else _being _with her, but I kept reminding myself that any girl or guy that she had been intimate with, she had only been **physically** intimate with, and that I was the only person she had ever been emotionally intimate with – which helped my jealously a little. I hoped that I was the only one she had been emotionally intimate with at least, because I wanted Ashley to be mine. All mine.


	6. Rise and shine darling

And another update I'm not happy about.

* * *

We had shifted throughout the night, so by the time the sun had started to rise, we had our heads on the pillows at the top of the bed and Ashley's body was covered with a blanket. I was careless stroking back her fringe, revelling in the softness of her silky tresses, when her eyes opened, rather abruptly. I think that she had been awake for a while, just clearing her mind, making sure she was compos mentis before attempting to talk.

"**_Are you okay?"_** She asked me, _she_ asked me; that seemed a little backwards.

Aside from meeting the whorebitch, whose name I still have yet to learn, **_"Yeah, are you?"_**

"**_Last night was rough. Were you okay to take care of me?"_** I don't think it would have mattered if I wasn't okay to look after her, I still would have.

"_**Was there an option?"**_

"_**Yeah, what most people do when they're around me; leave."**_ That broke my heart, I can't imagine ever turning my back on a friend let alone someone who means as much to me as Ashley does. Or just turning round and leaving the girl in front of me.

"_**No way, then life would just be too predictable."**_

"**_How do I look?" _**Aside from the panda eyes?

I wanted to say that she looked as gorgeous as she does every time I see her, and no matter what she's wearing, no matter where she is, that she will always be the most beautiful girl in the room, I didn't though, I merely gave her a little smile and said that she looked, **_"Good."_**

"**_You suck at lying,"_** I can't help but laugh, at least she seems to be feeling better, **_"but I'm glad you try."_** Part of me wants to let her know that I'm falling so fast I'd do anything for her, but I don't, because I know that wouldn't be the smartest thing plus her mum walked in.

"**_Rise and shine darling, I'm heading out for the day and I might not be home tonight."_** Ash has already crawled away from me and has her legs dangling over the side of the bed, **_"Really Ashley, I tolerate your playmates, but do they have to be here in the morning?"_** Playmates? Is she insinuating…?

I quickly push myself away from the bed as I start talking to the older Davies, **_"Oh, I'm sorry I just fell asleep."_**

"**_You remember my friend Spencer, right mum?"_** From Ashley's tone, I guess she's thinking what I'm thinking, and she's not happy.

"**_Right, look honey, I can't leave you if you insist on bringing home this kind of,"_** Ashley's mum decides to blank me, up until she uses the word**_ "friend"_** When her eyes shoot in my direction, ouch! Wait, so does that mean that Ashley's ever-loving mother has a problem with her being gay?

"**_Actually, I just came to take care of her."_** Really, what does she think we could have gotten up to; I'm still wearing my jeans!

"**_And I'm sure you did that very well."_** Her eyes are moving and I can almost see her brain working to choose the right words to use in conjunction with her condescending tone.

"_**Mum, can you just please try to be nice."**_

"**_Oh, I have been, to Paige who stole my credit cards, to Elizabeth who passed out eating my Valium, and then there was the one with the piercing; she just moved in and we had to have the help get rid of her."_** Wow, new imformation about Ashley's past. I can feel a ball of jealous in my stomach; it's growing, working its way into my heart and my mind. I don't like the idea of Ashley having had many one night stands, but I can deal with that type of thing, but if Ashley's previous _lovers_, have hung around long enough to meet her mother. I think I have a problem. A big problem, with lots of anger.**_ "Here, this ought to cover you 'till I get home."_** She throws a few bills onto Ashley's bed and gives her a little wave – I really don't like her.**_ "Ciao."_** And with that casual Italian greeting the elder of the Davies women departs, leaving Ashley and me alone again. Only this time I don't really want to be alone with Ashley.

"**_I'm so sorry."_** I want her to be apologising for all the girls she's been with, not for her lousy mother.

"_**This how it is every morning?"**_

"**_No this only happens once a month, when I see her."_** I can feel some of my unjustified anger slipping away at her comment and an overwhelming need to take her into my arms and hold her for the rest of the day, but there is still a gnawing feeling of jealousy deep inside of me.

I sit myself down next to Ashley, and I can feel the bed dip slightly under my weight, **_"Did you really sleep with all those girls?"_** I question burns as it slips over my lips.

"**_Those are just the one's she knows about." _**I can hear the mirth in her voice and I can feel a constriction in my chest. Her eyes meet mine and she picks up on my change in mood, **_"They never meant anything."_** She sounds remorseful, but that doesn't change the ache in my heart.

"**_And that makes it better?"_** And just like that, any ground that we had made the night before had been lost. I had to get away from Ashley; I needed to process the new imformation about her past. I **needed** to be away from her.

I told her that she could probably do with having a shower and eating something, she nodded gravely and left me alone in her room. I rung for a taxi and waited downstairs for it to arrive.

Why does this have to be so difficult?


	7. Smack!

Okay, so the begining of this basically sucks, the but bits with Spencer's inner monologue around the dialogue, is hopefully good.

Once more, thanks for the feedback!

* * *

The taxi ride home really gave me a chance to think – well I only went part way in the taxi, I went as far as the beach I walked the rest, basking in the early morning L.A sunshine. There is a certain sense of clarity you can gain just from walking, I used to go off for walks all the time back in Ohio. Granted the air back there was cleaner and fresher, but there was a breeze coming in from the ocean, making it every bit a beautiful morning.

The more I walked the more I thought. I had a slightly convoluted journey – walking in circles, stopping, double backing on myself and such. I hate to think about how much salty-smoggy air I inhaled in such a small space of time, but I walked off most of my anger.

I compared Ashley to Glen, after all they were both "players", both liked meaningless sex with an array of girls – at least Ashley wasn't a jerk like Glen, and she did sound sorry earlier that morning.

Ashley's past, is her past, it's not her present and it's not her future. It's something that can't be changed, and I was accepting that. Plus, when I thought about it more and more – ideas being mulled over in my mind – everything that had happened to her, had contributed to making her what she is, and making her the Ashley that I know and love.

By the time I had made it back home, I had a grin on my face. Memories of the previous night, warm in my mind. We were going to be okay.

"**_You better watch out, mum and dad are back, they know you were out all night."_** And I don't care; there is only one thing I can think about – Ashley – more specifically to the immediate future; ringing her.

"_**You sound almost happy about that."**_

"**_You okay Spencer?"_** Ah, Clay, my favourite brother, thank you for giving me the opportunity to rub something in Glen's face.

"**_Yeah, I'm fine, Ashley isn't feeling too good though."_** Ha!

"**_Ashley? You were supposed to be with Aiden."_** Yes, but unlike you he's not a jerk, so I ended up at Ashley's – that reminds me, I need to charge my phone and look into the whole, Aiden being gay thing, hmm.

"_**Forget it Glen, you stupid plan didn't work."**_

"**_Is it too much to ask for a phone call?" _**I wonder if she can sense me rolling my eyes? **_"Whether we're home or not, we really like to know that you're okay." _**So, I take it they didn't manage to rock the Kasbah last night, okay, been spending too much time with Ashley. **_"Not to mention you missed church!"_** Wait, if I missed church, then… but Glen is still in pyjamas. Huh?

"**_Sorry, I spent the night at Ashley's house," _**seeing as it was the Christian thing to do, looking after a friend in need and all,**_ "I didn't think you and dad would be back so early."_** Yup, no Kasbah-rockage.

"**_How do we know you don't go to mass unless we make you?"_** Ah, the rational parent.

"**_Sorry."_** So, that's, what… four times I've missed mass in my entire life? Oh, that's it, I'm burning in hell for that.

I start to head upstairs, **_"Spencer,"_** whoa, I've got an angry Catholic mother attached to my sleeve; not good,**_ "can't you see I am worried about you, ever since we moved here, you've changed."_** Yes, as have all the other four members of this family.

"**_What am I supposed to do, stay the same?"_** Did I just say that out loud, like that? That was just supposed to be in my head…

"_**Spencer, listen…"**_

"…**_No dad, you know what," _**I think I've just located my spine, **_"Glen goes out every night and nobody says anything, and then I go out to help a friend and I get the inquisition, a little double standard, don't you think?"_** Oh, so my anger hasn't completely dispersed.

"**_It's that girl, I'm telling you."_** Mum, shut up! Okay, too much to say out loud.

"**_Here we go again, you know what her name is Ashley," _**As in, I'm falling in love with Ashley, **_"Ashley, why wont you ever say her name!"_**

"**_You want me to say her name? I'll say her name, you're not allowed to see Ashley."_** Hold up, what! What the…

"_**What? Why?"**_

"**_Because she's a bad influence," _**She couldn't have just let me go upstairs when I tried to, could she, and now this… **_"I am telling you. You are forbidden to see Ashley."_** I hate you. So much mother.

"**_Oh yeah, and how are you gona stop me,"_** I'm standing up for myself and it feels great!**_ "You're never home!"_**

Ouch, I mean, ow, who knew she could slap so hard? Before I can even register it, my feet have already dragged to up the remaining stairs and towards my room. As I slam my door shut I can't have ever recalled a house being so quiet. That is until I start to hear my own sobs.

When did my life become so fucked up?


	8. Life Line

Yay, loads of feedback! Does a happy dance looks down to see cotton socks in the process of being rocked  
_Plus, fourteen points to whoever is the first to see what line I added in, hmmm..._

* * *

The rest of Sunday was pretty uneventful; I stayed in my room and did homework for most of the day. Ah, the joys of being a student. I did however talk to Ashley on IM for a while – making sure to leave out my what happened when I got home.

Everything seemed to be okay with us again, and I felt like I was finally ready to take the next step in our relationship – no more running away – we arranged for Ash to pick me up for school the next morning and I felt confidant enough to tell her how I felt about her and us (when she picked me up the next morning, so I could tell her face-to-face).

I woke up in the morning feeling oddly refreshed; I think it was down to the good nights sleep that I got – catching myself up with any lost hours. Unfortunately whilst getting dressed I started to worry about how mum would react to Ashley picking me up. Luckily before I could ring Ashley up and tell her that I was catching a ride with Glen, my newfound confidence kicked in and I thought to hell with it, what was the worst my mother could do – drag me out of Ashley's car and handcuff me to hers?

This wasn't uncommon – not my mother handcuffing me to cars – but my emotions and thoughts seesawing and yo-yoing about randomly, going from nervousness to confidence, from timid to outspoken, from… well you get the picture. I think that part of me was maturing and growing into the person that I actually _am_ and the other is still trying to be the good little girl from Ohio, who always does what's expected of her and always listens to her parents.

When I found out that mummy dearest was already at the hospital as she was working the morning shift, a large part of me sighed, grateful that there wasn't going to be chance for confrontation. Annoyingly my mood had changed again, and I was suddenly _hanging-ten_ on a wave of trepidation at the thought of telling Ashley how I felt.

Throughout the car ride to school we made comfortable small talk whilst I kept mentally smacking my head on the dashboard. And once more my mood began to shift, and I felt ready to tell Ashley that I was falling for… oh crap school. I swear that there's usually more traffic on a Monday morning? Not wanting to confess my feelings for/to her in the school parking lot I opted to wait until the end of the school day before telling her.

As soon as we got out of the SUV, I could immediately feel the hot L.A sun beating down on the top of my head, the glare causing me to squint a little. As me and Ashley fell into step together I hoped that the heat would let up a bit and was pleasantly surprised to feel a warm hand slip into my own. Glancing down I saw tanned fingers interlaced with paler ones and I could feel a smile tugging at my lips. She started to bring our hands up to her eyes, inspecting them, **_"What are you doing?"_**

As her fingertips started to dance across my palm, I could feel my face begin to flush – and not because of the weather, **_"Checking your life line, I wana know that you're gona be around for a while."_** I knew I would be, as I had absolutely no intention of leaving her. Ever.

I grinned at her, **_"Oh yeah, what about my love line?"_**

Before she had a chance to get at me for that little remark, the cheerbitches reared their empty heads, **_"Since when did this become the Island of Lesbos?"_** sigh gotta love Sappho, plus technically shouldn't she have said "**Isle** of Lesbos"? Hmm.

I expected to hear a remark about Madison and street corners coming from Ashley, but all I could hear was a fake derisive laugh coming from one of the cheerbitches.

The air around us cracked with a foreign kind of tension and it was making me feel uneasy, **_"Hard to get pissed at her when she makes a geography joke. I wonder if she even know's what it means,"_** I expected her to pick me up on saying "pissed", but she had remained unusually quiet so I gave her a little smile, **_"We know her evil minions don't."_**

The bell signalling the beginning of the school day rang, and then something really strange happened, **_"You know you're right, we're gona be late for class."_** And she walked off, leaving me standing there, confused. I know it seems over dramatic but I waiting to hear the theme from _The Twilight Zone_ start playing. It didn't.


	9. I can't just be your friend

I met up with Ashley again at lunchtime, still confused as to her brush off earlier that day, she didn't mention it though - instead we just fell back into how we've always been. Comfortable. I shrugged off her brush off and started to talk about my parents crumbling marriage – once again leaving out my little run in with my mother.

"**_I wish my parents weren't acting like complete freaks. Suspicious, controlling," _**In truth they had more reason to be suspicious, but once again the main brunt of their suspicion was aimed at me. Unfairly aimed at me. Glen should have gotten the same amount of flack, if for nothing more than hanging round with Madison – the devil carries a Prada handbag. Then again, most of what was getting hurled at me was not from dad, but from mum and Glen is the mini male – however slutty (wait, can a guy even be a _slut_?) – version of her. **_"I wish I didn't care."_** About any of it, I wish I were more like Ash.

"**_You have a lot of experience in this area, it's not you, its totally them,"_** I know she's talking, like words are leaving her mouth, but all I can focus on is the way her lips move when she talks,**_ "parents are not rational people, something happens when you get older,"_** I give a soft nod, some of her word penetrating my ears,**_ "I think it's hormones."_** I heard "moans", that's something right? **_"They focus on you so much that they don't have to focus on themselves and all their crap."_**

I smile grateful for her advice – sure that if I had heard more of it, it would have been of use, **_"Thanks."_**

She smiles at me andI go to hug her, something in my mind screams at me to kiss her, but I chicken out and just wrap my arms around her tightly, never wanting to let go. My chin rests on her shoulder and my face turns inwards toward the side of her head, my hands tangling in her soft hair and the sweet smell of vanilla shampoo invades my senses.

I close my eyes, trying to take in the feeling of have Ash in my arms, but quickly she stiffens in my embrace and I can feel the air shift as she rips her body away from me, running away from me once more that day, muttering, **_"I have to go."_**

And again, since the first time since I met Ashley, I start to wonder if she's bi-polar. Or maybe she just doesn't like hugs? I shake my head trying to clear my rapidly confusing thoughts, pulling out a few heavy textbooks from my locker I slam the metal door shut and scurry off, my mind clouded with thoughts of Ashley.

-------

Okay, _this_ is messed up. I'm at Gray with Ashley and Aiden, although Ashley might as well not be here as she's barely spoken to me the whole night. Or since she ran off earlier for that matter. It's not just that she's not talking to me, it that she's barely looking at either – she's blanking me – and I don't even know why. Was it something I said? Something I did? I can't figure out what, and it bugging me. A lot. I snapped at Clay earlier, and I can feel unjustified irritated anger sitting just below the surface of my skin, waiting to bubble up.

She still can't meet my gaze. I'm seriously contemplating grabbing her face, just so she _has_ to acknowledge my presence.

Before I can make a grab for her, Aiden comes back, his fingers wrapped around our drinks, **_"Who had the club soda?"_** Aiden, go away,_** "Ok, I'll just talk to myself." **_Ashley just look at me already, **_"Maybe meet two new girls to get messed up in the head with."_**

I disregard him and scootch over to Ash, **_"What is up with you Ashley?"_** And she ignores me – in the same way I just ignored Aiden – her eyes dart over the club, never setting their gaze near me. Her head bobs to the music and I can see her jaw tighten, **_"Look sometimes you're pulling me close to you and then I try to take a step towards you and you close up and move away."_** Bi-polar, she's gotta be bi-polar.

I feel like I'm invisible. Until Aiden pips up, **_"Exactly."_** Then I just feel like I'm invisible to Ashley and pissed off at Aiden.

"**_Can you give us a minute?"_** part of me feels sorry for snapping at him – as he has been so understanding and generally nice recently – but I'm pissed off and he's in my line of fire.

"**_Uh, sure, I'll be right over here if either of you guys decides to straighten up."_** Straighten up? Funny.

"**_Cute."_** And that's the first thing I've heard her say all night – well at least I know that she's not deaf.**_ "Do you want that life, stupid little comments about what you are and how you feel?" _**She seems as pissed off as I feel, **_"That's why I learned to laugh most things off," _**She smiles at little to illustrate her point, **_"because it hurts too much to do anything else."_** Any semblance of a smile has left her face and she just looks bitter. And once more her gaze shifts away from me.

"**_You know what," _**I don't care about snippy little comments and, I don't care if my mother tries to perform an exorcism on me, all I care about is Ashley, and being with her. Because when I'm around her I feel alive and I know that I don't have to lie about who I am – however subconscious – I can just be me. **_"I can't just be your friend Ashley, it has to be more than that, or I'm out of your life." _**I don't mean it as an ultimatum, I just don't think I could bare being around her and not being _with_ her.

Her eyebrows twitch; almost as if she were about to start frowning and her eyes start to bore into my own – as if she were searching for something. **_"And I need to figure out mine."_** Which seems almost impossible without her, it's because of Ashley that I've got a new found clarity about life.

Her eyes cloud over with love and warmth and her head dips towards mine a little, and for a second I think she's going to kiss me. She doesn't though. Instead she casts her eyes down and starts playing with her hands.

I wait for a reply, which I don't receive. So I leave. Even though I don't want to, I leave. Just like I said I would. Even though everything in me is screaming at my legs to turn around and go back, I leave. As soon as I'm outside I ring my dad, asking for a lift home.

I want to cry.


	10. I want you

Should I post a pointlessly long note before this chapter? Yes? Good.  
Okay, I was having major issues with how to do this - _this_, being putting the kiss scene into Spencer's pov - I was thinking about having the last scene of the first chapter just as Ashley coming to her house and then going straight on to chapter two, starting with the lipgloss/lip-lockage scene from Ashley's pov.  
But, I didn't want a bunch of angry Spashley fans hunting me down - although, that is kind of hot... - _anyway_ (!), the long and short of it is, the final scene of the season (the kiss scene) is in this update, in Spencer's pov. I'm sure people are going to be disapointed with it, but, meh, it was the best I could do.

Plus, I know that I keep making Spencer swear, which I am aware is out of character, but, meh.

As, always thanks for the feedback and I'm going to start on chapter two soon.

* * *

I thought it was hard being Ashley's friend, just her friend. And it was. But not _even_ being Ashley's friend was at least a thousand times harder. Granted it had only been a little less than a day – twenty two hours, nineteen minutes and eight seconds (although, it's not like I've been counting or anything), roughly – but I feel like I'm going mad.

It's completely different to when we had a falling out over Josie or whatever her name was – because even though I was missing Ashley, I was pissed as hell at her. Only this time, I know that it's my own fault. I asked Ashley to choose between a relationship and nothing – I just wasn't expecting that she'd choose the latter. But she did, and I had been avoiding her all day at school because of it. I know it is an extreme, but I had said all or nothing and I had mean all or nothing. Even if it killed me, which it undoubtedly will.

High school is a lonely enough place as it is, but when you've been dumped by your best friend and the only other person you've really gotten to know has more ties with the aforementioned former best friend, well, you're fucked. And very lonely. More so than when you first started at the new school and knew no one.

And so, I was alone, bar my thoughts.

And – annoyingly – that really gave me time to reflect. I reflected on the crumbing mess that was my parents' marriage, I reflected on Glen being a total nobhead, and I reflected on the cheerbitches and how under ever so slightly different circumstances I could have been one of them, really one of them. I reflected on so much, that I began to hate the word "reflect", then I started to get pissed off at the English language for coming up with such a word that would so easily bug me.

Needless to say, I wasn't really angry at the English language – I was really angry with myself, and Ashley, of course. I was so angry that she "dumped" me, I was fuming because she felt like she couldn't open up to me – at least that's why I think she opted out of the "more than friends" part of my little ultimatum. I started to doubt her feelings for me – and if they really were just feelings of friendship, and if I was reading too much into things.

I thought and reflected so much it made my head hurt.

And I still felt lonely – in fact, more so.

Glen's out, Clay's out and mum's at work, leaving me and dad alone at home together. We're not really communicating much, we're just sort of breathing in the same air – neither of us sure what to say to the other.

"**_I want you and mum to be okay."_** Even though I hate her.

I think I want them to be okay, I mean divorce would really screw the family up – well, more so – I don't want them divorced. I just want things back the way they were.

"**_I know you do, so do I, but your mum and I might need to take a little break from each other," _**they're getting a divorce; I want to live with dad,**_ "get things back on track."_**

"**_You mean splitting up." _**Wait,**_ "How does that get things back on track?"_** Don't tell me, _absence makes the heart grow fonder_? Am I right? Well I do really miss Ash and… no! Damnit! Don't think about her, you're parents are most likely going to end up divorced, focus on that.

"**_Maybe we'll remember why we got together in the first place." _**What if they don't remember? And they think that they're better off without each other? I mean, I haven't really seen much love between them recently. **_"Figure it out."_** Yup, I'll start searching for a good "marital difficulty" lawyer.**_ "How about you; you okay?"_**

I miss Ashley. A lot. Too much – it's only been twenty-two hours, twenty four minutes and about fifty-one seconds. I want to see her, I want to talk to her, this is bad, really bad. Fuck, I'm obsessed with her.**_ "I don't know."_** No, screw that, I'm not okay; I'm in love. And that's _really_ not okay.

"**_Spencer,"_** I look up at him, no longer scared that my eyes will reveal what I'm thinking or feeling, because I can hear the love in his voice, and I know he wont judge me, **_"you're my daughter, I love you so very," _**yup, no judgment there. Why cant mum be more like him? **_"Very much, no matter who you are."_** I can't help but smile from gaining his acceptance. But, jeez, does everyone know I'm gay? Like they knew even before I knew?

I wrap my arms around him and snuggle into his embrace – just like I did when I was a child. Internally nodding, yeah, definitely going to live with him instead of mum.

And then the doorbell rings, and I'm confused.

"**_You expecting someone?"_** I softly shake my head as I let go of him – my favourite parent. He shoots me a reassuring smile and goes to answer the door.

Ashley. Did I just say that, or think that? Whatever, it's Ashley.

"**_Hey Ashley."_** I think he know's how I feel about her.

This is either going to be really good, or really bad – I'm hoping it's the former.

"**_It's good to see you Ashley."_** Oh yeah, he know's.

"**_Nice to see you too, Mr. C."_**

Ashley is expecting me to say something, I don't. I just turn around and walk into the sitting room, I can feel her following after me.

Letting out a shaky breath I sit down in front of her, **_"So?"_** please don't break my heart, please don't break my heart…

"**_So, I'm sorry," _**please don't break my heart…**_"for the come here, go away trip I've been putting you through."_** I can see the sincerity in her eyes.

I love her eyes, I often feel like I'm drowning in them – when I was younger, about five (and I couldn't swim), I went into a swimming pool, into the deep end, and as I couldn't swim I started to sink and to drown. It was one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life.

But as I sit here looking into her eyes, I can't think of a better way to die, or even to live than by drowning in her eyes. But she's sitting in front of me and I think I need to start talking back, **_"Okay, why would you do that?"_** Because it screwed with my head and my heart. A lot.

"**_Because I want you,"_** And I think I just melted,**_ "and I don't want to hurt you."_** Thank you and goodnight.

"**_I can take care of myself."_** I can see her mind working, but I can't tell what she's feeling, but she doesn't seem to like my answer. But I'm not done yet,**_ "And with some let over to take care of you."_** I can see the corners of her mouth turn up and almost feel the warmth radiating from her smile – it's mirroring the one I'm currently sporting. I can see the smile shining though her eyes and my heart gives a pleasant little squeeze.

But I mean it, I would be willing to devote my life to her, to spend each day looking after her, just making sure she was happy, healthy and safe. And that has nothing to do with the way I seem to be obsessed with her – it's because in the short space of time I've known her, I've fallen completely head over heels in love with Ashley.

"**_Come to my place tonight, mum's gona be in La Costa for a couple of days."_** I hate Ashley's mum for being so negligent.

I smile and nod a little, **_"Okay."_** We're both grinning, but I can already start to feel a knot of nervousness starting to build in my stomach.

We didn't talk in the car ride over; we just sat in a contented silence. The radio was on, but I wasn't paying it any attention. I was scared, and excited, and nervous and… well you get the picture, my emotions were going mad. I barely even noticed as we pulled up in front of Ashley's house. Correction – Ashley's mansion. My mind didn't seem to register Ashley's hand on my wrist pulling me through the front door, or up the stairs. But as soon we reached Ashley's bedroom door, my brain started to work once more and I felt like I was going to vomit – in the good way.

Her hand slipped into my own and my skin started to tingle underneath her warm fingertips. Her bedroom decor behind her became indistinct shapes as we made it over to the couch almost central in the room.

Our hands separated and one of hers' made its way to the back of my head, her palm sweeping over my cheek in the process – a gesture that I remembered from the last time she had tried to kiss me – pulling me closer to her.

Her lips found mine, and everything after that was a delirious blur.

* * *

End of chapter one. 


	11. Chapter two Ashley and lipgloss

I can't grasp Ashley's character very well - and I basically suck at the characterisation - and I think for the most part of this update she comes across as a horny schoolboy, however that will change and her thought's will become "sweeter". Meh. As for the Romeo and Juliet thing - I really have no idea.

Plus, a little warning, once more I've used a few "colourful" words, kiddies beware.

* * *

Chapter Two – Ashley's P.O.V

Another day, another dollar – well not so much "another dollar", more like another day wasted away sitting in stuffy classrooms learning pointlessly irrelevantly imformation. Another day stat between four walls with people I hate whilst my brain absorbs useless facts, another day…wasted. I could be doing so much more with my time, I could be writing songs, at the beach, shopping or… well you get the picture, I think I've got a _I'd rather be anywhere but here_ mentality.

There is only one real reason why I turn up to school everyday, well by reason I mean person – Spencer – I know it sounds sad and sappy, but she is the only reason that I put in regular (bordering on daily) appearances at school.

We hang out on weekends and after school, but she's never too sure if she'll be allowed out, at least when it comes down to high school I know she'll be there, bright and early.

I'm not stupid; I know her mother thinks I'm the devil incarnate, and quite ironically I feel the same way about _Mrs. The rod up my butt has a rod up its butt Carlin_. Glen's a homophobic jack-off (that's why him and Madison are made for each other), I think Clay is indifferent towards me. And As for Mr. C, well I think he's just happy Spencer has made a "friend" – I love Mr. C, something about him just reminds me of a cuddly teddy bear, I bet he used to dress up as Santa Clause at Christmas. But back to the mother superior, as far I can ascertain, she wears the proverbial trousers in the family, what she says goes and she says I have to go. And in response I (internally) say, "fuck off, you homophobic bitch. Grow a brain and…"

"_**I can't find my lip gloss."**_ She's so adorable when she scrunches up her nose like that, we're in the ever so fabulous girls' toilets at school doing our make up – for each other I wonder – Even though I don't think Spencer needs any.**_ "My mum's been like going through my make up and jewellery recently,"_** ha, sounds like there's a new man in her life, hey wait…_** "She's going through this weird I want to be young and sexy stage. "**_

I'm going to hate myself for asking this question, because it's a visual I really don't want, but **_"Is she buying lingerie too?"_**

"_**Yeah," **_I think mama Carlin is playing away from home, **_"we hit the mall yesterday and she spent crazy money."_** How can she make something so ordinary sound so cute?

"_**Maybe she's having an affair."**_

"_**No way.**" _I can hear a laugh die in her throat, it sounds like denial – I'm not surprised.

"**_Well, maybe she's planning one."_** I hand her my lip-gloss, **_"Here, try this; just a hint of pink,"_** I briefly watch as she applies the light sheen to her soft pink pouty lips and…oh! I quickly look away feeling guilty – among other things –what's that quote from _Romeo and Juliet_, "_Oh that I might be a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek_," that's how I feel, only it'd be "That I might be that lip gloss, that I might run over her lips…" Oh fuck, I falling. **_"It won't leave a traceable colour on someone who may not wear your shade."_**

"**_Hey, I never thought about that; two girls, two shades of lip stick."_** Or two girls, twice the breasts…

I watch her in the mirror as I talk, **_"If you're planning on kissing another girl,"_** it better be me,**_ "you may want clear gloss, you know with like an aloe or some type of moisturising balm."_** **And** my lips.

"**_I have so much to learn."_** And I have so much to teach you.

"**_Lucky you have me." _**And you can _have_ me anytime you want**_, "That looks really good on you, almost as good as," _**I'd look on you,**_ "it looks on me."_**

"**_Aw, now you have me wearing your shade," _**I'd love to see her wearing my shade, and nothing more, **_"how convenient, just in encase we end up in some spontaneous lip-lock."_** Oh fuck me, I want you!

"**_Trust me, it wont be spontaneous."_** I can't help but wonder if she realises that I mean that as promise.

We leave the toilets heading for the our respective lessons and I don't want to leave her, I really want her – anywhere and everywhere – and more than usual, damnit it, I'm being really perverted/horny today; well I guess double geography should help to "cool me down".

Ugh, double geography, great more pointlessly irrelevantly imformation, really do I need to know the proper names of clouds, I mean what the fuck is a "_Cumulo-nimbus_" anyway?

---------------

I like Spencer's room, it's warm – although her whole house is usually "warm" – and cosy and, "Spencer-like". I'm sitting on her bed, though I'd rather she were next to me, and we weren't sitting on the bed, as much as writhing around naked after having…

Anyway, Spencer didn't seem her normal self in the car and as soon as we'd gotten up to her room, I had plonked down on the bed and she had started pacing up and down recounting what had happened with Glen – basically he has displayed all the charm and intelligence of a jockstrap, no change there then. From what I could gather he was basically saying he was a homophobic (plus Ashley-phobic) prick, who seemed to trust and care about Madison more than Spencer. He's such a twat-bag.

I know he's her brother, but when he acts like that, she really shouldn't pay any attention to him, **_"So what?"_**

"**_Yeah maybe it's so what to you, you're used to being talked about, front page trash," _**Ow…ch!**_ "I'm not."_**

"**_Ouch! Look, for the record I'm not used to being trashed."_** And especially not by someone I care about as much as Spence, but as for Madison, that bitch is going down! **_"Listen it's Madison okay, she hates me and of course she's gonna use this to break us up."_**

"**_Break us up?" _**Was I not supposed to say that? Shit! Well I guess I could have meant break up our friendship – although that's really not what I meant, **_"We are not a couple Ashley!" _**Oh, so now she looks at me, "**_I don't know what it is we are,"_** Neither do I, I know what I want us to be…**_ "I just want to figure it out first, before everyone tries to crucify me." _**It's not everyone; it's just the homophobic narrow-minded wankers of the world. But at the moment, _this_, this right now, this hurts.

"_**You know what, I'm just sorry this is so terrible for you. But what hurts even more is the fact that you don't want anyone to think it's true, even if it's a lie."**_ Even though I'm pretty sure you want this. Before she can respond I'm out of the door and almost out of her house, you know I think that if I didn't love Spencer so much, I'd hate her.


	12. The loneliest lesbian

Just a little warning, this part contains gratuitous use of the certain word that starts with the letter "f".

* * *

I spent most of the night fuming about the last interaction I had with Spencer that day, I knew that she had every right to nervous and confused, but it still mad me angry. I don't know why I was so mad at her trepidation; it was only natural, and more so considering her background – after all she _was_ from a small religious midwestern town – and then there was her family. Even though I knew all this, the irrational part of my mind was still pissed off at the way she had acted, pissed off and kicking its heels at how slowly she had been coming to terms with her sexuality – I understood that for some people it was a really big thing and it takes time to come to terms with it, but it had been over two months since she had stated that she thought she "liked girls", so her homosexuality was hardly latent. And I'm deeply impatient. 

We both know that she is the dreaded "**g**" word, you know the one, it's got three letters in it, rhymes with _may_. Yeah, that one. But things had been fucked up since she had essentially come-out to me. What with all the shit with Aiden (and the threesome that wasn't), then with Josie and me getting suspended, and then with Madison jacking my phone and Spencer getting suspended.

Things could have been finally getting back on track, but then Glen decided to be the homophobic jackass and scare the shit out of Spencer (sending her running, causing any ground we had made recently to be lost) – though Madison has some blame to take in that as well. Fucking Catholics!

I don't get it, I don't get _her_. I mean I like her – and she knows it – and she likes me; so we like each other – but we can't just be together. And, it's that the bit that I don't understand. I mean, I don't think I've ever felt this strongly about anyone before, but for some reason (for some cosmic fucked up irony), we can't be together. Fuck that, we _can _be together, but we're not. And I think it's because of Spencer. Or at least the fear that's ruling her.

I just wish that she'd stop trying to be the perfect daughter, the perfect Catholic, the perfect student, the perfect _everything_! I wish she'd stop trying to be **perfect and "_normal_". **Because by now she should realise that normalcy is a fallacy, it's a lie concocted by politicians and the media, and imposed by the bitches at the top of the social hierarchy. Being a "normal" teenager is a contradiction in term, it's like having a non-dysfunctional family. The idea of a "functional" family is in actual fact full of dysfunction – and it's anything but normal.

And Spence' should learn this and stop trying to be who and what everyone else wants her to be and start living for _her_, start doing what she wants to do and stop worrying about everyone and everything else. I want her to stop listening to her head and start listening to her heart.

This is just a slight view into what I think about in relation to Spencer, I keep trying to find reasons why we're not together – that way I can think about her without focusing on her, because if I were to focus on her, I'd see that she is the only thing or person that's stopping us from being a couple. And I don't want to focus or even to think about that.

And I really shouldn't be thinking about this whilst driving to school because there's a good chance it's going to make me extra sour today and I'm not paying any attention to the road. Shit.

I pull up in the parking lot and Glen – the jackass – Carlin is waiting for me, great, what does he want. **_"To what do I own the stalking?"_** I walk past him, not wanting this little conversation to drag on.

"_**I want you to quit hitting on my sister."**_ Oh great, I really don't need this.

I stop and turn around, **_"She asked you to do this?"_** If he says "yes", I'm walking right back to my car.

He looks uncomfortable, **_"No,"_** well that's something at least, _**"but this isn't what she is."**_ He has absolutely no idea about _what_ Spencer is or isn't, because he doesn't know her – not like he thinks he does.

"_**What she is, this is about you," **_and you're a jackass, **_"not her and unless I hear it from her, we're good."_** I start to turn around, that is until he grabs my arm and turns me right back round again. Ew, straight boy germs! I don't even want to know where his hands have been, but considering he's dating the hoe-bag Madison, it can't have been anywhere good.

"_**Look, she's telling you okay, you just don't want to hear it. And it you really care about her, you'll back off."**_ Great, now do I stay away from Spencer because I really do care about her, or do I not stay away from Spencer, because I really do care about her. Ugh, families!

I hate this, I hate this so much.

-------------------------

"_**Well if it isn't the loneliest lesbian."**_ Oh great it's the _Queen Bitch_. I so do not need this right now. I've been avoiding Spencer – just like her brother told me to – it's be almost a whole school day and I'm going nuts, I forgot how much I hated this place. But I really don't think I can take breathing in the same air as Madison right now, let alone have one of our verbal-spats.

"_**Look, I'm not in the mood right now to kick your arse, so why don't you take your get out of jail free card and have a nice day."**_ Or just find a speeding car to run out in front of. I turn back round, not wanting to see the skank any more.

"_**Wow, you're really off. I guess you heard about your ex and your current hooking up."**_ Okay, what the fuck?

Once more I turn round, **_"What are you talking about?"_**

"_**Oh, Spencer and Aiden," **_this isn't going to be good**_, "going out on Saturday," _**oh fantastic,_** "on a real date,"**_ terrific,**_ "you know like a boy and a girl."_** Boy and girl; does she have to be so fucking homophobic?

Unless, of course,**_ "You're lying."_**

"_**I'm not."**_

"_**She's not."**_ Ugh, I hear a crony, a mini-Madison, I really, really hate today.

"_**Shut up mini-me!"**_

"_**So pathetic." **_I really fucking hate school.

"_**Oh, I hate to be the bearer of bad news." **_Yeah, about as much as I'd hate to stab you in the ovaries.

Well at least this weekend is going to suck major arse. Wohoo! Kill me, just kill me now.


	13. The clubbers drug

I'm sitting here, nursing a diet coke, diet coke; what the fuck? Why aren't I drinking? Fucking Spencer, setting a good example, fucking heterosexuals! I'm in a club – playing crap music – the same club Madison and Glen are currently in and I'm thinking about the girl I'm in love with, who's out with my ex-boyfriend. This is fucked, in one way or another. Why don't I have anywhere else to go? God damnit!

"**_Go home Ashley, do you really think being here tonight watching everyone couple up is going to make you feel better?"_** Why can't Cat be my mother? I wonder if she'd be willing to adopt a sixteen-year-old lesbian fuck up? I must remember to ask her later.

"**_I don't know," _**well, actually _no_, there is no way in hell this will make me feel better, unless something cruel and unusual happens to Madison – that would cheer me up, **_"but maybe I'm supposed to be feel this way."_**

"**_You did nothing wrong." _**I fell in love, that's wrong, or just dumb,**_ "You can't make someone love you, honey."_** I thought she liked me though, I mean really liked me.

"**_Yeah, but, she told me she likes girls, I know she likes me, I just don't get it, what happened?"_** What did I do?

"**_It's a big step, give her some time," _**how much more time does she need?**_ "Eventually love trumps fear." _**That's bollocks.**_ "Every time."_** Complete and utter bollocks, but I want to believe it.

----

Fucking hetero's, ugh, I need vodka.

"**_Hey, are you alone, or is your girlfriend coming back?"_** I know this girl, who is she? I'm getting images or an irate mother, stolen credit cards, lines of white powder and… Paige!

"**_No, I'm alone,"_** all alone.

"**_Look at my good timing, to catch you in between."_** She wants me. Looks like this night is getting better.

I never understand girls, even when they know that they're going to get laid they'll still flirt and casually touch you here and there – I don't understand the point, it just seems like a waste of time and energy. It's not as if they need to seal the deal or anything.

Hmm, but I have missed kissing girls. The last time was… well the almost kiss with Spencer, and that was… no! Fuck, don't think about her.

Paige is tugging at my arm, are we going yet? No, we're just going to make out in the toilets. Fine by me. Although, I'd rather we just cut to the chase; it's been _so_ long.

I'm straddling her on her _chaise longue_, fuck; lets hurry this up, **_"You wana go back to my place?"_**

"**_For old times sake?"_** does that mean she's going to 'jack half of my mothers stuff again?

"_**For whatever."**_

"**_Sure. Look," _**she waves a little baggie half full of white powder in front of my face – it looks like it's time for a few hits of coke – **_"party favours, it's good to be the dealer." _**She drags me out of the door, I stall for a second in front of the mirror – I wonder if Spencer would recognise me if she saw me now?

----------------

I inhale deeply through my nose, white powder shooting past my nostrils. As I draw my head back from the small mirror I wrinkle my nose, Paige really should buy a bullet. My nose twitches and I feel like I'm going to sneeze, I'm still buzzing from the line I did ten minutes ago.

I let my head fall back onto the couch and listen to the sound of my dealer snorting the last of the _charlie_. No matter how many lines I do, I still wont get the buzz I'm looking for, the first initial high of coke is incredible, but it's one that can never be replicated – I still do it though. I need the boost. Spencer is out with Aiden (the man whore!) and I'm lonely, and Paige was paying attention to me – more than _little miss I'm so sweet and innocent and straight, I couldn't possibly ever be gay_. Blah! I hate what she does to me, the, _I like girls but oh no, I want Aiden _crap is old. Really old.

She's not supposed to want him, she's supposed to want me. Fuck this, fuck her. She wants to lie to herself about who she is, that's fine by me, just as long as she keeps her head fuckery away from me.

I sit up and push my body away from the couch – already feeling better about myself – I start to stagger over to my bed, since when did _toot_ make you so off balance? I'm still wavering back and forth on my feet when I hear the annoyingly loud sound of my phone ringing. Fuck it. Paige answers it, **_"Hello"_**, since when was she standing up? Whatever I make a grab for her, **_"Who's this?"_**, – deciding that the best way I can forget about Spencer is to fuck a former flame – I swipe my hand back and forth in front of my throat gesturing to Paige to just hang up – stupid telemarketers – after unsuccessfully trying to grab her, I just end up falling back onto my bed. Hmm, comfy. **_"Sorry, she doesn't want to talk to you, later."_** Oh fuck, I think I'm getting a nosebleed.

My eyes feel heavy and breathing is suddenly harder, where's Spencer? She'll look after me, where's my little blondie? Spencer? Don't go back to Ohio; come back to me, back to L.A – Lesbian's Ago-go. Spencer where are you? _Spencer_…


	14. You're My Favourite Hallucination

Sorry for the lack of updates and sorry for the length and general crappiness of this update - I'm really not feeling the fanfic writing urge, but I wanted to get an update done.

As always, thanks for the feedback!

* * *

Mmm, warm. **_"Sorry, I was freaked out,"_** I've had this dream before, well dream/hallucination; it's where Spencer tells me that she _is_ gay and wants me. I like this dream, and not just because it ends with sex, but there is something so phenomenal about the person you're in love with telling you that they reciprocate those feelings.

The dream sucks, because it's never real, and I know it's not really happening, it's tainted throughout, there are all these little signs that give it away. The colour of Spencer's eyes is usually the first one, well, the colour **and** the depth, then there's her touch, it feels as fake as it really is. And then there's…

Wait, but, this feels real. Her voice sounds right and, ugh, I feel like crap, I think I'm awake. I'm awake and Spencer's in my room, at night, talking to me, and,**_ "I didn't want to deal with being gay," _**stating the obvious, and,**_ "but I couldn't deal with not being with you," _**and I think I just felt my heart give a little squeeze. I'd give anything for this to be real, it's perfectly feasible that it isn't; although I'm awake, this could all be a hallucination.

"**_I'm not easy."_** Did, I just speak? Whoa, I…wait, oh for fucks sake, my nose is still numb, what the fuck is that about?

"_**That's not what I've heard."**_ Did she just? I think she did, okay; _reason number five thousand nine hundred and seventy two to love Spencer_…

"_**I meant to be with," **_

"**_I know, but we're already friends, that's the hard part," _**ugh, I don't know why I'm so tired and generally lethargic, **_"so lets just start there and see what happens."_** Internally I'm doing summersaults. I wish I could express how much I love Spencer right now, but I'm so tired.

I lean forward, snuggling my head into her lap, and she's so warm, and pure and I'm so tired and, hmm.

I'm so confused about what happened that night; I remember Paige, coke, warmth, scary cold, and then warmth again.

I remember having nightmare about nothing at all, then having the fear just dissipating, flitting away. And that's where the warmth comes in; every time I felt myself begin to relax again it was because of this unlocateable warmth.

When I woke up, it all started to make sense, the warmth was coming from Spencer – I didn't even remember her turning up, I hope she didn't see me doing any charlie – all night when I had been cocooned in warmth, I had unwittingly been cocooned in Spencer. Wrapped in her arms, with her protecting me effectively from myself.


	15. Never Fall For A Rockstar

**Happy Easter** - whether your Christian or not I know I'm not - what better way is there to remember the murder of your messiah than eating hollow chocolate eggs?  
Meh.  
Sorry about the lack of updates - like I said on a different fic; I got a social life(ish) and got ill. Plus, has anyone seen my muse - about 5'7, brunette with green eyes, anyone? Meh.

Thanks for all the feedback - it feeds both the ego and the soul

Plus, I know I arsed up Ashley's characterisation - sue me  
And on with the fic

* * *

Hehe, that tickles.

Ugh, body parts I didn't even know I had ache, there's a dull pounding at the back of my head and, egh, that's it, I'm never doing coke again.

"**_Are you okay?"_** Uh, it feels like I've swallowed a cactus, plus why the hell doesn't the sun have an "off" switch.

"**_Yeah, are you?"_** aw, she's like my own private nurse/guardian angel – I still feel like shit though.

Whoa, note-to-self, don't sit up to fast, eugh, or even at all, **_"Last night was rough. Were you okay to take care of me?"_** I can hear my voice cracking; I don't think I've ever craved water so much.

"**_Was there an option?"_** Well, maybe not for goody-goody religious do-gooders – such as herself.

"_**Yeah, what most people do when they're around me; leave."**_ Jesus, I sound like a martyr, I don't mean to be – people just seem to flock away from me. Except for Spence', _sigh_, I hope she never leaves me. Christ, I'm pathetic.

"_**No way, then life would just be too predictable."**_ Predictable? Not, "_don't worry Ash' I'll never leave your side because I'm head-over-heel's in love with you_", what's a girl gotta do to get a break?

I turn to face her, damnit, when doesn't she look good – does she not even move in her sleep? Granted my vision isn't twenty-twenty at the moment, but that doesn't diminish how good she looks; the sun is illuminating her face, making her look like an angel and, jeez, when did I become this pitiable? I'm supposed to be "hardcore" – I do drugs, sleep with _x_ number of different girls, break as many laws as I can; I'm rock and roll. I'm not a sap! How does she do this to me?

Considering how crap I feel, part of me is obliged to ask, **_"How do I look?"_**

"_**Good."**_ Liar.

"**_You suck at lying,"_** I deadpan and she laughs, **_"but I'm glad you try."_**

Ooh, I think we're on the verge of having a moment…

"**_Rise and shine darling," _**Goddamnit! We were almost having a moment, stupid neglectful mother – typical the first time I see her all week and she's ruining my month.**_ "I'm heading out for the day and I might not be home tonight."_** Oh, the shock revelation! _**"Really Ashley, I tolerate your playmates," **Playmates_? Wait, did I just hear Spencer's jaw drop?**_ "But do they have to be here in the morning?"_** I want to say something, really I do, to defend Spencer's honour, but my brain is only working at half speed.

"**_Oh, I'm sorry I just fell asleep."_** That's right she did, she was looking after me – whoa, she was looking after me – and she fell asleep with me. In my bed and…we were in bed together, this is so not how I pictured waking up after sleeping with her. Well this isn't really how I planned on _sleeping with_ Spencer either – such an opportunity missed – whatever; I really want to bitchslap my mother – and now more than usual.

"**_You remember my friend Spencer, right mum?"_** I doubt she does, it's all the botox and collagen – it's flooded her brain.

"**_Right, look honey, I can't leave you if you insist on bringing home this kind of, friend."_** Sure, just because every other teenage girl in this city is a whore, just assume that Spence' is too – nice.

"**_Actually, I just came to take care of her."_** See, someone cares about me, _and_ see – she's **nice**.

"**_And I'm sure you did that very well."_** Fuck, stop offending her! Although, I can think of a few ways Spencer can "_take care_" of me, and, no! Argh, stupid teenage boy's brain! The girl you just so happen to be head-over-heel's in love with is getting verbally smacked down by your slipshod mother, do something idiot!

"**_Mum, can you just please try to be nice."_** Way to come to her defence, ugh; I make a crap _dyke in shinning armour_.

"**_Oh, I have been, to Paige who stole my credit cards, to Elizabeth who passed out eating my Valium, and then there was the one with the piercing; she just moved," _**Blah, blah, blah. Because I'm the only one who's ever made a mistake and had bad judgment in people – I'm not, I know for a fact that dad had bad judgment; well he did pick _her_ after all I really don't want to get into all of this again,**_ " in and we had to have the help get rid of her."_** Blah! **_"Here, this ought to cover you 'till I get home."_** Yay, way to deal with a problem child; throw some money in their general direction – like I don't have my own debit and credit cards anyway. **_"Ciao."_** And goodbye to you, mummy dearest, I hope you don't accidentally choke when you're sucking off your latest boy-toy.

And Spencer had to witness that; great! **_"I'm so sorry."_**

"**_This how it is every morning?"_** Wouldn't that be just the best way to start each day?

"**_No this only happens once a month, when I see her."_** Which is once a month too often.

I can feel the bed shift under Spencer's weight as she sits down,**_ "Did you really sleep with all those girls?"_** Ha, and then some, I'm rock and roll baby!

"**_Those are just the one's she found out about."_** Whoa, she doesn't look happy, oh shit – I've just bollocked things up again haven't I?**_ "They never meant anything."_**

"**_And that makes it better?"_** Hello walls! Hello uncomfortable silence! And hello loneliness.

Spencer couldn't wait to get away from me, muttering something about me having a shower and eating something – trying to get nutrients and vitamins back into my system. So, I scurried off to the bathroom and listened to Spencer fumble around my room and then run off out of my house.

I watched the taxi drive away and went back to bed – far too lethargic and dejected to do anything else. Yay for Sundays!


	16. Not Far From Greece

I rolled out of bed around two pm, still feeling crappy. After showering and getting dressed I was left with free time to ponder "the Spencer situation". I wanted her, that much I knew; oh how I wanted her. But I didn't want to hurt her – and for me, that was an easy thing to do – like I had earlier that day, just by being me; I had unwittingly hurt her, just by making an off-hand remark about my ex's – with my foot firmly lodging itself in my mouth.

I didn't like it, hurting Spencer, that is. It's all I want not to do; I just want to make her happy – preferably with me. I like her, she likes me – so where's the problem? Oh yeah, me. I'm the problem, _the problem child_.

Spencer popped up on instant messenger and we chatted for a while, she apologised for bolting earlier that morning and asked if I was feeling better. The rest was just comfortable rambles, that and arrangements for me to pick her up for school the next day. Hmm, that's really the best way to start a day; a shot of espresso and Spencer's smiling face, _hmm_.

Spencer hopped up into my SUV and I sped away from her modest house, fearing that _Paula – homosexuals are what's wrong with America – Carlin_ might run through the front door wielding a rolling pin and shouting at me to stop perverting her daughter, whilst throwing holy water on me. Spencer shot me a wide smile, which I returned, silently musing that she was wearing her hair up in the same way as when we had that weird almost threesome with Aiden, and shared our – unbelievably hot – almost kiss.

The car ride to school was pretty strange, and quiet – bar the sounds of the radio and the L.A. skyline whizzing past the open windows – Spence' was fidgeting in her seat and playing with her hands. She kept opening her mouth as if she were about to speak before looking confused and promptly shutting it again. That's not to say we didn't talk to each other – it's hard not to – but it felt almost forced.

When we got out of the car and onto the parking lot, Spencer still look troubled – not knowing if I should press the issue or not, I decided to try to take her mind off of whatever was bugging her. Slipping my hand through hers, I brought her palm up to my face for inspection.

She shot me a quizzical look, **_"What are you doing?"_**

Honestly I had no idea how to palm-read, but I hoped it would serve as a distraction, plus I loved having her hand in mine; our fingers interlaced. But I still answered her matter-of-factly, **_"Checking your life line," _**I traced my fingers over her palm, revelling in the feel of her silky soft skin,**_ "I wana know that you're gona be around for a while."_** I wonder if that was subtle?

"**_Oh yeah, what about my love line?"_** Okay, that certainly wasn't subtle. My, my, my, Miss. Carlin, it looks like things are about to get interesting.

I opened my mouth, a witty yet seductive reply sitting on my tongue, but before I could speak someone else did, **_"Since when did this become the Island of Lesbos?"_** Ugh, Goddamnit! Why must everyone keep ruining our _moments_? This is quality _Spashley_ time, damnit!

But, oh how, I do so love Madison and her army of cheerwhores, not to mention her dumbass remarks about me. **And** Spencer.

I could feel my forehead crinkle, my smile crumple. I didn't like it – but I tolerated it – when it was dumb little snipes at me – okay well not, _completely_ tolerated – but not at Spencer too. I wanted to say something, to jump to my blonde angel's defence, but nothing came out. Did I really want to bring Spencer into this, this world of intolerance and ignorance, where people would always be trashing her just for being with another girl? She didn't deserve it.

She gave my hand – that was still cradling hers – a little squeeze, **_"Hard to get pissed at her when she makes a geography joke." _**Well no, not really, she's a dumb whore, who I feeling nothing but contempt for, therefore it's always easy to get pissed at her,**_ "I wonder if she even know's what it means,"_** The soft smile on her face warmed my heart, but I still couldn't let myself drag her into _this_ life, **_"We know her evil minions don't."_**

I didn't know what to do; I wanted to get away from school, to just go to the beach. _With_ Spencer, but that was a no-no, I needed to get away from Spence', **_"You know you're right," _**my hands parted, letting her paler one slip back to her side,**_ "we're gona be late for class."_** I walked off leaving her standing there all alone, just like I did after our first meeting by the lockers – and she wore the same lost-puppy expression.


	17. Friends That Hug

I feel I need to explain this chapter - well you see what happened was, dang it, I don't even know. I just started writing and all the _Ashley thought tangent_ stuff sorta just happened. I'm weird like that. Meh.

* * *

After I run away from Spencer I have time to sit and think in my lessons – its not as if I ever paid attention anyway – I think about Spencer. She's always what I think about. Now I'm feeling guilty for how I acted earlier, but I feel even worse from dragging her into my world. My very gay world.

Spencer sees me at lunchtime and metaphorically latches herself onto me – not that I mind. She starts to tell me about her parents' and how weird they were being.

I fight the urge to make a comment about people in her family acting in a "queer way".

"**_I wish my parents weren't acting like complete freaks. Suspicious, controlling,"_** She sighs, as we stop in front of her locker, **_"I wish I didn't care."_**

Have I mentioned how unbelievably gorgeous she is looking today? It's like she's trying to tease me, knowing what she does to me and deliberately flaunting herself. Challenging me to do something about how I feel. Ordinarily I would have fucked her and forgotten about her by now, that is if she were any other girl. But Spencer isn't any other girl. She's one of a kind, and the thought about using her for my own perverse reasons makes me feel ashamed of myself. She deserves to be cherished, like a porcelain doll or priceless work or art, put in a glass box and cordoned off with red velvet rope for the entire world to admire her beauty – but not to let the evils reach her. Leaving her untainted by life. But I'm too late for that, and already she wears invisible scars.

I'm starting to fear that soon she'll bare witness to her parents divorce; she doesn't deserve that. She doesn't deserve to have all of their crap thrown at her.

"**_You have a lot of experience in this area, it's not you, its totally them,"_** I watch her nod along, **_"parents are not rational people, something happens when you get older,"_** what I'm saying seeming to make perfect sense, though in actual fact could all just be bullshit, she looks genuinely interested though.**_ "I think it's hormones."_** And by the sounds of it, they've got a lot of crap going on.

You should always question perfection, because at the end of the day, it's a lie. A false image, a mirage concocted by your own brain, desperately wanting to find something so good to hold onto, to emulate.

The lie of pristine smiles and, Church bake sales is what Spencer was raised on, and she's going to see it all unravel. She'll see that her mother who spouts chunks of the Bible practices what she preaches whilst she defies the religious laws she holds close to her heart – the tangible symbol of God and Christ she wears around her neck will soon suffocate her, weighing down on her lungs and her heart. Her lies no longer containable.

And my precious little Spencer will have to watch, she'll be forced to decide which parent she loves more, ultimately choosing her father, saying it was because he did no wrong, he wasn't the party at fault. She'll say it and she wont believe it. But neither will any of her family. The place in her heart reserved for loving her mother will be replaced by a hollow resentment for a hypocritical woman who tore down the family she built up.

I wont be able to stop it, I wont be able to shield her eyes from the sight, or cover her ears, dulling out the shouts and screams. All I'll be able to do is hold her, to rock her back and forth and soothe her sobs. In the same way no one ever did for me.

I'll do all I can to take her pain away; I'll stay by her side day by day, her ever-loyal best friend. And I'll lock all my carnal desires in my mind, and hide all of my inappropriate love for her. I'll love her as a friend and no more. I'll protect her from the harshness of the world; I wont invite it in.

"**_They focus on you so much that they don't have to focus on themselves and all their crap."_**

She smiles at me and tilts her head to the side in that oh-so characteristic way of hers, and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest – knowing that she didn't smile _at_ me, but _for_ me, **_"Thanks."_**

I return the smile and watch as she reaches out for me, her arms tightening around my shoulders, her hands sit high on my back, one works itself into my hair and holds my neck. Her chin is resting on my shoulder, the proximity is driving me crazy – all I want is to touch her, to kiss her, but I know I can't. I want her, I purely and physically want her, and she's holding me as a friend, her arms displaying open affection – the type I'm unaccustomed to.

I feel like a sleaze for wanting to fuck her right against these lockers, when she's showing me friendly gratitude. But what's worse is what would be in store for her if I did do something, the hypocritical glare of society shunning her. Marring her, metaphorically tattooing the word "dyke" on her forehead, whispering cruel comments, not seeing her for her. Not appreciating the unique wonder that is Spencer, but tarring her as another _freak_.

I hear my breath catch in my throat, the audibility of my feelings of unease, guilt and discomfort. She continues to hold on. I can't take it anymore and push her away muttering and stuttering, **_"I have to go."_**

As I practically run away I'm aware of how cold I feel – in the midday heat of the Los Angeles sun – without Spencer's arms.

Oh fuck!


	18. Club Soda and a Cold Shoulder

This music sucks, this atmosphere sucks, this… **_"Who had the club soda?"_** Aiden sucks._** "Ok, I'll just talk to myself. Maybe meet two new girls to get messed up in the head with."**_ Maybe you should just shut up.

"**_What is up with you Ashley?"_** She's moved closer to me, I can feel the heat radiating off of her body, I can smell her perfume, I can feel the need to pull her closer bubbling up under my skin. I want to. I want to so badly it hurts, but I can't, I can't bring her into this, so I look away, unable to meet her beautiful gaze. **_"Look sometimes you're pulling me close to you and then," _**then I realise what I'm doing,**_ "I try to take a step towards you and you close up and move away."_** My gaze rests on the table, I can't meet her eyes; not now. She doesn't know, doesn't know that the last thing I want to do is pull away, that the shirt I'm wearing was picked out for her. That ever morning I stand in my wardrobe and pick out the perfect outfit for _her_, that now I'm doing this for her. I'm pushing her away to protect her, to save her. **_"Exactly."_** Must Aiden always be here, with us? I turn to shoot him an annoyed glare and in my peripheral vision catch sight of Spencer doing the same – something about our synchronized movements makes me want to laugh.

"**_Can you give us a minute?"_** She sounds pissed off, and at this stage I'm not sure who she's more irritated with.

"**_Uh, sure, I'll be right over here if either of you guys decides to," _**I can see a smile creep over his face as he carefully picks out his words, the little hamster in his brain running through his little wheel as fast as he can, **_"straighten up."_** The double-entendre leaves his lips, making his smile turn to smirk, his particular brand of comedy neither smart nor funny.

"**_Cute."_** I watch as he heads over to the bar, my attention being drawn back to Spencer. **_"Do you want that life, stupid little comments about what you are," _**I can feel her gaze pinned on me, her eyes burning into my own as they flicker back and forth, too scared to meet hers,**_ "and how you feel?"_** I know she doesn't, and she doesn't deserve to have to live that life either. **_"That's why I learned to laugh most things off,"_** I'm telling her the truth and she knows it.

I've given her a window, a juncture for her to run off, declaring her heterosexuality; she needs to take it.**_ "Because it hurts too much to do anything else."_**

"**_You know what,"_** she looks beautiful tonight,**_ "I can't just be your friend Ashley, it has to be more than that, or I'm out of your life."_** My chest constricts, my heart screaming at me not to let Spencer go, I knew that I couldn't be with her, but not being able to still be around her? I don't know if I can bear that. **_"And I need to figure out mine."_** I watch her mouth as she talks, the way her bottom lip jars up to meet her top one at the end of each word and the way the side of her mouth twitches… I don't know if I can do this, I want her so much and she's giving me the perfect opportunity to voice my feelings, I stare at her lips, it would be so easy for me just to lean forward and steal a kiss… my body sways forward and I pull back with all of my strength. I have to let her go; it's the only way.

My head drops and I see her shift in her seat and get up, like a flower towards the sun, I can feel my body involuntarily incline to her, unformulated declarations of love stinging my muted lips.

My head drops into my palms and all I can think about is how to save Spencer from getting hurt, I've just hurt her.

--------------------

"**_What do I do about Spencer?"_** After Spencer left the night before, Aiden made his way back to me and silently drove me home, never mentioning the cold shoulder myself and Spencer had hit him with.

It's been a painfully short amount of time since I've seen her, and I'm already missing Spencer, I crave her. I thought I saw her earlier, well I saw a curtain of golden blonde hair trying to get away from me – I just assume it was her.

"_**Don't ask me, I'm the only one in this school not hooking up."**_

"**_Yeah, but your aloneness gives you a certain clarity."_** Well that, and I have no one else that I can ask, plus he did date me and, well he kissed Spence' a few times that's gotta count for something.**_ "What do I do?"_** I want her, but I don't want to hurt her, there has to be a way around things, right?

"_**Do you want to be with her?"**_

"**_I don't know," _**which is a lie, because I **know** I do,**_ "what if I scare her away?"_**

"**_I think you're the one that's afraid."_** Excuse me? How do I end up as the scared one?

"_**No."**_

"**_Yes," _**No,**_ "I know from experience that you're the one that does the heart breaking, maybe, maybe you're afraid that Spencer's the one that's gonna break yours." _**No, no, no, he's wrong, he's so wrong. Okay, I think he's right.

Hmm, Aiden is coming across as being awfully gay; I've gota talk to Spencer about that.**_ "What are you thinking?" _**That we need to get you a boyfriend.

"_**That you'd make a great girl."**_


	19. Sometimes It's Easier To Tell The Truth

My stomach is filled with vomiting butterflies as I stand on Spencer's doorstep, my shaking hand hovering over the doorbell, I watch as my fingers subtly twitch, the tips mere millimetres from the plastic buzzer. It's not too late to turn around and go home, it's not like she's expecting me, she probably doesn't even want to see me – I doubt Spencer has even thought about me today. _Shut up you coward and ring the damn doorbell!_

Before I can't get into an argument with myself, my index finger shoots forward and the classic "doorbell sound" chimes in my ears, it's still not too late to turn and run. I look at my feet as they refuse to move - _stupid feet!_ Fourteen seconds and no answer, I guess no one is home - I can leave now. I glare at my feet, _move you fucking idiots_, the golden door handle catches the light as it's turned to the left, oh shit. It's Spencer, she's going to want to know what the hell I'm doing here – wait, what the hell am I doing here? Oh yeah, that's right I'm… it's Mr. C.

Maybe Spencer isn't home, maybe, oh there she is, I feel like I can't breathe, she won't even look at me. _Oh fuck_, I just interrupted a moment, I know I did. I look back at Spencer's dad, I want to know if it's okay to be there. I wonder if Spencer has just poured her heart out, telling him about how much I've fucked her around? I hope not, he wouldn't have let me in, would he?

**_"It's good to see you Ashley."_** He smiles at me, it's warm and it's genuine, it's the same type of smile I've seen Spencer sport many times before.****  
**_"Nice to see you too, Mr. C."_** I look back over to his daughter, she can't meet my gaze. I've royally fucked this up, I'll just apologise and leave – that would be best for her. She turns and walks away, into their living room area – I follow after her, I wonder if she know's how deeply she's affected me?

She sits down and looks up expectantly at me, **_"So?"_**  
She's waiting for me to speak, waiting for my lame excuses as to why I've been fucking with her head – the rationalization that I was hurting her to prevent her from getting hurt seems anything but rational and far from smart.

I take a seat next to her, **_"So, I'm sorry," _**the word _sorry_ seems so foreign coming out of my mouth, I can't remember the last time I sincerely used it. I meet her eyes, I want her to know that I mean what I say, I need her to know that I never want to hurt her, **_"I'm sorry, for the come here, go away trip I've been putting you through."_** I'm sorry that I hurt you, I'm sorry that your parents are splitting up, I'm sorry that Glen is such a jack-off and I'm sorry that even now I can't stop thinking about ripping the clothes from your body and making you mine, over and over again.

"**_Okay," _**she pauses, she's about to tell me she never wants to see my worthless self ever again, I know it…**_ "Why would you do that?"_** I think about lying to her, telling her that this was all just a game and that I only wanted to mess with her head – that would be the easy way out. But as I sit here, so close to her, so close that I can see every emotion in her eyes, so close that I can smell her and so close that it would only take a millisecond to reach over and finally know what her lips taste like. I can't, I just can't lie to her. Spencer is like a walking polygraph, I just can't lie to her, she has this invisible hold over me, even if I fought it and managed to lie, she'd know anyway.

I resolve to tell her to truth, **_"Because I want you," _**I draw in a shaky breath,**_ "and I don't want to hurt you."_** My mouth is dry and my heart is pounding so fast I think I'm about to vomit adrenaline.

She smiles and nods a little at my admission, God I hope she's willing to give "us" a chance, to give _me_ a chance. **_"I can take care of myself."_** Or, maybe not, I'm already picking out which _emo_ songs I'm going to listen to when I get home when she starts talking again, **_"And with some let over to take care of you."_**

I think my heart just started beating.

Does she know how much I need her, that she's my figurative rock? Does she know how _happy_ she's just made me?

"**_Come to my place tonight, mum's gona be in La Costa for a couple of days."_** I don't mean it as a proposition, I just want to spend time with her, we don't have to do anything, just as long as she's close enough for me to smell her shampoo, that's all I need.

"**_Okay."_** Her smile makes my knees weak, and I thank God that I choose to sit down, otherwise my face would be getting acquainted with the floor.

We're in the car and the silence is so uncomfortable it's _almost_ unbearable, I can't help myself from stealing glances at Spencer, she's absently staring out of the window, she looks beautiful. I can feel my lips pull upwards even more as my grin continues to stretch, probably covering half of my face by now, I don't care though – I'm completely contented and I love it.

Spencer doesn't even notice when we pull up outside of my house, still grinning I get out of my car and open the passenger side door for her.


	20. All These Places Feel Like Home

This is the last part, thanks to everyone who's left me feedback over the months - you all rock!

* * *

I can feel a nervous giggle rising in my throat when we get to my bedroom, my hands making their way from Spencer's slender wrist to her delicate palm as I continue to tug her into my bedroom, only stopping once my backside comes into contact with the back of my couch. 

I release my grip on her hand and let my own snake around the back of her neck, drawing her nearer to me. A silent gulp gets lost in my throat as her mouth nears mine, I can feel her breath coming out onto my lips, this is it, this is finally it, what I've been craving for months. Our lips come together and I think part of me just died. Her mouth moves against mine expertly, her tongue slips between her parted lips and into my mouth, softly dancing against my own. We brake apart and my eyes flutter open to reveal Spencer with her eyes still softly shut, the grin on my face growing as I tug her towards my bed. I'm not planning anything x-rated, in fact I want to wait until I know that Spence' is ready, I just want to feel her lips pressed against mine again and again, and not to mention, a bed_ is_ a great make-out spot.

We sit on the bed and start to kiss again, I might not know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know that I'd be content just to live in this night forever.


End file.
